Lost Puppy In Need Of Owner ...

[Sir Wanks A Lot]

Did I clickbait you into clicking this thread ... well, maybe. However, will my shameless post here be worth the lost puppy gimmick? No, most certainly it will not. Buuuuuut, now that I have your full and undivided attention, I dedicate this moment of silence as I eulogize my very own obituary (please silence all mobile devices and pause reading for a good ten[?] seconds).

First, to those that know me - I sincerely apologize. Second, to those that do not (holds for applause)... you're welcome? It will come to great deal of folks' surprise that I outlived all expiration dates that were posted on Dane's pool of when I would (insert verb) myself to death. (Please make out my winnings out to I.C. Wiener). I really hate to leave all of you on a cliffhanger, but before I get into the how's and why's of my departing, I must get down to brass tacks.

Sammy, I leave you in charge of executing my will. If you are unable to subsume your duties, Tangerine shall fill in. Should neither of my (flakes) friends be available when called upon to fulfill their executor duties, I entrust my babygirl, Meow (under her many names) as sole executor of my will to arbitrate all conflicts therein. However, should the divine lineage be broken, I yield all executive power of arbitration to all of the highly qualified admins (that means you, Rose) in charge of executing my will to best of their abilities.

1) Sammy, I bequeath to you my Wayne Gretzki's friendship amulet upon that shall, upon your gravest of Hockey matches, give you the grace and maneuverability to set up one spellbinding shot in every game.

2) Tangerine, I bequeath to you the same buon fresco paint set Michelangelo used on that one chapel ... so you too can give humans the reach to touch the divinity.

3) TheQueenMEOW (AKA Meow Wanks A Lot; AKA KittyMeow420; AKA babygirl), I bequeath to you the Yoshi gaming collar I won from the Super Mario tournament so that all who walk in your way know that you are top are and forever will be, top bitch

4) (Gummi)bear AKA Tater tot, I bequeath to you my (near-bankrupt) chain of Izakayas to manage or mismanage at your whim (and ultimately, make some distant friends jealous of your immediate access to Japanese food whenever you want).

5) Vero(nica Mars)

 

[Sir Wanks A Lot]

Post (cont.)

5) Vero(nica Mars), I bequeath to you my blankets; you always seemed so cold in your tank tops.

6) Hesitant Alien, I bequeath to you my entire music collection (because I think you could use some new artists to listen to)

7) That guy that always brought up "lean," you know that one guy (Meow's friend), I bequeath to you a barrel of drank and bag of jolly ranchers.

8) Luna AKA Lunes and Talk To Me (AKA Talky; AKA Sir Talks A Lot), I bequeath to both of you one half of each others' soul in hopes you kindred spirits reunite one day.

9) inked, I bequeath to you a joke the copyrights to the "do you like fish sticks"? joke.

10) Lana (AKA Liddy, AKA Laniddy, AKA Ladanna) I bequeath to you m1's subscription to HBO.

11) Lura, I bequeath to you Kylo Ren's lightsaber, which I do not not unfortunately own, but I do have Luke Skywalker's and I'll lend that to you to take it from Kylo's cold, whiny, voice-cracking, emo, dying hands.

12) Somechick, I bequeath to you some (newly-born) chick.

13) The Admins (except Rose), a signed copy of me flipping you the bird (mwuahahahahaha).

14) Rose, I bequeath to you one final goodbye hug.

15) Everyone else? Deuces! Oh, and I guess meh and anomali may divide my estate equally between themselves.

End Will.

To those of you still tuning in (seriously, is anyone still reading this?), for all I humbly gave zozo, zozo, forever deferential, gave more. I want to thank you all for nominating me King of zozo, which I will in perpetuity, most graciously deny. I want to thank you all for loving me more than I could ever love anyone.

I know what virtually all of you are thinking at this point, there's no way the time investment in writing this eulogy will in anyway be rewarded with the marginal utility necessary for making this worthwhile (seriously, if you are still reading, I challenge you to write "42" in your response post(s?), cheers!), but to all of you, i just have...

 

[Sir Wanks A Lot]

Oh and if any old chums wants like a snapchat or kik or whatever to ease my mournings, come slide into my DMs.