Yes, I'm Alive
!
If you're struggling to sleep, congratulations, you've found the perfect solution. I present to you my extremely long content, guaranteed to either relax your mind or make your brain politely say, "Enough, I'm going offline."
But if you manage to read fully, i really admire your confidence!
Life has a funny way of embarrassing us at the perfect time. The moment you think, "Finally, I have everything under control," life laughs and says, "Awww That's cute. Let's see what happens next."
One day, you feel like a genius because you remembered your password without pressing "Forgot Password." For a few minutes, you start believing you have officially mastered adulthood.
The very next day, you spend 15 minutes searching for your phone while holding it in your hand, blame everyone around you for moving it, and then realize the problem was never the missing phone, it was your missing common sense.
The emotional part of life is no less dramatic. There are days when a random song makes you feel like the main character in a blockbuster movie (Like Saiyaraa). Then there are days when you cry because someone else's dog wagged its tail at you. Emotions don't always make sense, but they certainly keep life interesting.
The funny thing is that everyone else's rollercoaster looks smoother from a distance. Social media is full of smiling faces, vacation photos, and perfectly arranged breakfasts. Meanwhile, you're celebrating because you managed to fold one fitted sheet without starting a family argument.
Looking back, the bumps, twists, and sudden drops are often the stories we laugh about the most. The embarrassing moments become legendary. The failures become lessons.
Then there's the emotional rollercoaster. Some days I feel unstoppable, ready to conquer the world. Other days, I open the fridge five times hoping new food has magically appeared.
So why am i here? coz i am not sure what i carry in the present is a BOON? or A CURSE?
Part 1:
Alright, comedy break's over. Time to put the clown nose away.
If I have two regrets, they are these:
- I wish people had remembered me for who I really was, instead of the limited-edition version that showed up during my mental breakdown.
- I couldn't control the chaos around me, but I did have control over how I responded. Looking back, I wish I'd made a few better choices instead of letting the chaos borrow the steering wheel.
But life has a funny habit of teaching lessons when you least expect them.
I'm the kind of person who gets ridiculously protective of the people I call "my people." I worry about whether they've eaten on time, slept enough, taken care of their health, or if they're carrying too much stress. And if they ignore my very reasonable advice? Well... diplomacy immediately fails. I declare "World War III" without a second thought. I argue, nag, and fight like an overcaffeinated monkey until they finally give in.
Not because I enjoy winning arguments, but because I genuinely can't stand watching the people I love suffer when they're right in front of me.
I don't easily let people see the cracks in my heart. It's not because I don't want their comfort or support. It's because I know they're already carrying enough on their own, and I never wanted to add one more weight to their shoulders.
But looking back... I wish I had done that differently.
Part 2:
Then came the phase where I proudly believed I had finally become a mature, wise adult. Life looked at me, laughed, and said, "That's adorable."
Blinded by love, I made what is, without competition, the dumbest decision of my life. I was so determined to keep one soul close to me that I forgot about the many souls who had always stood beside me. Somewhere between my heart and my brain, my brain quietly submitted its resignation.
The consequences didn't stop with me. They left scars on my family, especially on my mom. Through every reckless decision her stubborn, thick-headed son made, she never stopped standing beside me. She defended me when I didn't deserve defending, believed in me when I had stopped believing in myself, and carried the weight of choices that were never hers to carry.
And the scariest part?
She forgave me.
No lectures. No scorecard. No conditions. Just forgiveness.
For some reason, that hurt more than any punishment ever could. Because I still struggle to forgive myself. If there's one regret I'll carry for the rest of my life, it's not just the mistake I made, it's the pain I unknowingly gave the woman who deserved nothing but peace.
Part 3:
Those days took away a part of me. After everything that happened, I felt like I was surviving, not living.
I became a regular at every temple in the city. If there had been a loyalty card for visiting temples, I probably would've earned lifetime VIP membership. I wasn't asking God for success, money, or miracles. I was just begging for one thing - peace.
The betrayal sat heavy on my chest for a long time. Every day, it whispered that revenge would make everything feel better. But deep down, I knew revenge only creates two broken people instead of one. So I let it go, not because it was easy, but because I didn't want my pain to become someone else's.
What I couldn't let go of, though, was the fear that someone else might walk the same road I did.
So yes, I intentionally walked into a few people's lives. I wasn't there to manipulate them, betray them, or gain anything from them. I was there because I wanted them to see the warning signs I had completely missed. If my mistakes could become someone else's lesson, then maybe all that pain wouldn't have been entirely meaningless.
Part 4:
I wasn't completely healed, but I was trying to rise above the pain, mainly because of the beautiful souls I had gathered around me. They became the reason I kept moving forward when everything inside me wanted to give up.
Life, being the dramatic comedian it is, waited for the exact moment I started believing things were finally getting better. It quietly whispered, "Everything is going to be okay." And then, just like a movie villain making an entrance, it turned around and said, "Surprise, MF."
The truth is, everyone has their own battles. Everyone has days when they are fighting invisible wars. I understand it now.
One thing that always triggered me was disrespect. But the funny thing about the term "disrespect" is that everyone has their own dictionary for it. What feels like a harmless comment to one person can feel like a deep wound to another. Carrying the weight of my past experiences and unresolved pain, I didn't always handle those moments the way I should have. That's a regret.
Somewhere in the middle of endless overthinking, doubts, questions about loyalty, feelings of disrespect, comparisons, and the constant pressure of trying to keep everyone happy, I slowly started losing myself.
In trying to protect everything around me, I ended up burning pieces of myself. And in the end, it damaged everything.
I said things I never imagined I would say. Words that didn't belong to the person I knew myself to be. I watched my own character change, revealing a darker version of me that I never wanted to meet.
The most painful part was the confusion that followed. I kept asking myself: "Why does it hurt so much when I begged people not to do the very things that would break me?"
"Why do people forget all the good you have done the moment you make one mistake while you are at your lowest?"
Slowly, even my family began wondering if I had become someone filled with anger and attitude.
The irony is, I had always considered myself a kind person. Yet, I found myself saying things I never thought I would have the courage - or the cruelty - to say to the people I cared about. I definitely knew, this isn't the real me.
Then came the moment when everything replayed in my head like a movie. Every incident. Every conversation. Every mistake. Scene by scene.
And when the movie ended, there was just silence.
A person sitting alone in a dark room, eyes wide open, tears falling quietly, while a voice inside whispered:
"Everything you touched has ended in failure."
And then came the question that hurt the most:
"What have you become? What have you really become? You either hurt others or get hurt by others!"
That's the moment when you enter a different world, a place you never planned to visit and a place you don't know how to escape from.
A place where you stop fighting because you feel exhausted.
A place where you stop letting people get close because you hurt them or get hurt by them.
A place where you forget what it feels like to believe in someone without fear.
You enter a different version of life, not because you chose it, but because somewhere along the way, you lost the map back to yourself.
Part 5:
Alright, here comes the advising version of me. Please adjust your volume settings because your ears are about to go through a full motivational podcast episode.
Any relationship—literally any relationship—is built on one invisible but extremely powerful thing: "Trust". Whether it's friendship, family, love, or even the person who promises they'll "only borrow your charger for five minutes" (we all know how that ends, trust is the foundation).
People always say, "First impression is the best impression." I believe the stronger version is: "The first foundation matters the most." Build it with honesty, loyalty, and truthfulness, because once the cracks start appearing, repairing them is harder than assembling furniture without instructions.
The funniest and strangest thing I've witnessed is people creating full investigation reports about someone behind their back.
"Hey, you know what this person did?"
"You won't believe what happened..."
"Let me tell you everything."
And then, somehow, the very next day, they are sitting together, laughing, eating, and acting like yesterday's gossip meeting never happened. Human beings are truly fascinating creatures—we can create a documentary about someone's flaws today and have dinner with them tomorrow.
Thankfully, one thing I can proudly say is that I've never lived that way. I don't believe in building connections with hidden agendas or fake conversations. Whatever I have to say, I prefer saying it honestly. Even if i conspire about them, i don't cherish them in the next day faking it.
I strongly believe in one thing:
"Hurt me with the truth rather than comfort me with a lie."
A lie from a stranger may be forgotten, but a lie from someone you trust can break something much deeper. It can be of any matter. Even small lies can feel heavy when they come from a person whose honesty you believed in.
Yes, the truth can hurt. Sometimes it arrives like an unwanted guest, sits on your couch, and refuses to leave. But in the long run, truth protects the bond. It gives people a chance to understand, grow, and rebuild.
Because a relationship that survives the truth is far stronger than one that lies with reasoning of saving the bond.
But here after no more blames, no more fights, as i let everyone have their peace.
I do love games, i am a Pro Valorant player (Come challenge me if you think you are good).
That's how i play
(Now you will wonder, what tf is this topic in between which make no sense?
that's how life goes on
)
Part 6:
Now comes the tragic chapter of what happened next... and the mysterious question of what exactly I am becoming now.
After the mental breakdown, the emotional destruction, and the impressive talent of burning everything around me like I was auditioning for a disaster movie, I made one decision:
I was done depending on people.
No more running to someone for comfort or flirting and accidentally creating another emotional earthquake. No more seeking distractions. No more trying to fill empty spaces with another human being. Basically, I decided to put my heart on airplane mode.
So naturally, what does a broken person do?
Some people get a pet. Some people travel. Some people discover meditation.
Me?
I entered the stock market.
Because apparently my brain thought, "You know what will heal emotional damage? Numbers, charts, and staring at candles that are not actually candles."
I had known about the stock market for more than five years, but I had never fully stepped into it. This time, I jumped in completely.
I locked myself inside my room and went deep into the world of fundamental analysis, technical analysis, strategies, patterns, and everything that makes normal people close their laptop and walk away.
Hours turned into days. Days turned into months.
Along with managing my office responsibilities, I was constantly learning and analyzing. At one point, even my family started wondering:
"Is he actually studying, or did he secretly join some underground organization?"
The locked door, the endless screen time, and my disappearing social life definitely did not help their imagination.
Everyone told me the same thing:
"Don't invest immediately after learning. The market will teach you a painful lesson."
And they were probably right.
But mentally, I was already prepared.
After losing pieces of myself, I reached a point where money felt like the smaller risk. I had already experienced a different kind of loss.
Then something unexpected happened.
I started making profits.
Not the normal "buy yourself a coffee" kind of profit.
I mean the kind where I was sitting there looking at the numbers thinking:
"Wait... is this real, or did I accidentally open someone else's account?"
Capital started multiplying. 10X. 20X. The results kept coming.
Initially, I thought it was beginner's luck. But as time passed, I realized it wasn't just luck. Somewhere along the way, I had discovered a skill I never knew I possessed.
A talent that came out of one of the darkest phases of my life.
The funniest part?
My family had their own theories. After months of locking my door, staring at screens, and suddenly making money, they genuinely started wondering if I had secretly robbed a bank, created a master plan, or was involved in something they should be concerned about.
I can't even blame them. From their perspective, their son disappeared into a room and came out with profits. Even Netflix would consider that a suspicious storyline.
During this journey, I started writing down my experiences, observations, and lessons, with my usual unnecessary amount of humor. It started as a personal notebook with no destination.
Then the pages kept increasing.
50 pages became 100.
100 became 110+ pages.
I wasn't writing with any plan to publish anything. I was simply documenting what I was learning and experiencing.
But my mentors saw something different when share it to them. They believed the perspective, the experiences, and the way I presented things had a uniqueness worth sharing. They encouraged me to complete the draft properly and guided me to take this journey seriously.
So here I am, running like a horse with no interest in looking sideways.
Writing. Rewriting.
Editing. Questioning every sentence.
Deleting things. Adding things.
Basically fighting with my own words like they owe me money.
The complete process-draft completion, proofreading, corrections, refining, and redefining—will probably take at least a year and a half. And if everything goes well, this strange little journey may finally become a book around 2028.
And me?
An author?
The thought itself is hilarious.
I am already imagining myself searching for the perfect pair of glasses so I can look intelligent while holding a book. Because apparently that's the official uniform of writers.
But somewhere along this journey, I also realized something else.
I gained the ability to build something alone...
but I lost the ability to let people come close again.
And that leaves me with the biggest unanswered question:
Is this a blessing?
A curse?
Or just life's weird way of saying:
"Congratulations. You survived. Here is your reward... and also your new problem."
(Until i comeback after several months with my progress, Bye Bye!)
!If you're struggling to sleep, congratulations, you've found the perfect solution. I present to you my extremely long content, guaranteed to either relax your mind or make your brain politely say, "Enough, I'm going offline."
But if you manage to read fully, i really admire your confidence!Life has a funny way of embarrassing us at the perfect time. The moment you think, "Finally, I have everything under control," life laughs and says, "Awww That's cute. Let's see what happens next."
One day, you feel like a genius because you remembered your password without pressing "Forgot Password." For a few minutes, you start believing you have officially mastered adulthood.
The very next day, you spend 15 minutes searching for your phone while holding it in your hand, blame everyone around you for moving it, and then realize the problem was never the missing phone, it was your missing common sense.
The emotional part of life is no less dramatic. There are days when a random song makes you feel like the main character in a blockbuster movie (Like Saiyaraa). Then there are days when you cry because someone else's dog wagged its tail at you. Emotions don't always make sense, but they certainly keep life interesting.
The funny thing is that everyone else's rollercoaster looks smoother from a distance. Social media is full of smiling faces, vacation photos, and perfectly arranged breakfasts. Meanwhile, you're celebrating because you managed to fold one fitted sheet without starting a family argument.
Looking back, the bumps, twists, and sudden drops are often the stories we laugh about the most. The embarrassing moments become legendary. The failures become lessons.
Then there's the emotional rollercoaster. Some days I feel unstoppable, ready to conquer the world. Other days, I open the fridge five times hoping new food has magically appeared.
So why am i here? coz i am not sure what i carry in the present is a BOON? or A CURSE?
Part 1:
Alright, comedy break's over. Time to put the clown nose away.
If I have two regrets, they are these:
- I wish people had remembered me for who I really was, instead of the limited-edition version that showed up during my mental breakdown.
- I couldn't control the chaos around me, but I did have control over how I responded. Looking back, I wish I'd made a few better choices instead of letting the chaos borrow the steering wheel.
But life has a funny habit of teaching lessons when you least expect them.
I'm the kind of person who gets ridiculously protective of the people I call "my people." I worry about whether they've eaten on time, slept enough, taken care of their health, or if they're carrying too much stress. And if they ignore my very reasonable advice? Well... diplomacy immediately fails. I declare "World War III" without a second thought. I argue, nag, and fight like an overcaffeinated monkey until they finally give in.
Not because I enjoy winning arguments, but because I genuinely can't stand watching the people I love suffer when they're right in front of me.
I don't easily let people see the cracks in my heart. It's not because I don't want their comfort or support. It's because I know they're already carrying enough on their own, and I never wanted to add one more weight to their shoulders.
But looking back... I wish I had done that differently.
Part 2:
Then came the phase where I proudly believed I had finally become a mature, wise adult. Life looked at me, laughed, and said, "That's adorable."
Blinded by love, I made what is, without competition, the dumbest decision of my life. I was so determined to keep one soul close to me that I forgot about the many souls who had always stood beside me. Somewhere between my heart and my brain, my brain quietly submitted its resignation.
The consequences didn't stop with me. They left scars on my family, especially on my mom. Through every reckless decision her stubborn, thick-headed son made, she never stopped standing beside me. She defended me when I didn't deserve defending, believed in me when I had stopped believing in myself, and carried the weight of choices that were never hers to carry.
And the scariest part?
She forgave me.
No lectures. No scorecard. No conditions. Just forgiveness.
For some reason, that hurt more than any punishment ever could. Because I still struggle to forgive myself. If there's one regret I'll carry for the rest of my life, it's not just the mistake I made, it's the pain I unknowingly gave the woman who deserved nothing but peace.
Part 3:
Those days took away a part of me. After everything that happened, I felt like I was surviving, not living.
I became a regular at every temple in the city. If there had been a loyalty card for visiting temples, I probably would've earned lifetime VIP membership. I wasn't asking God for success, money, or miracles. I was just begging for one thing - peace.
The betrayal sat heavy on my chest for a long time. Every day, it whispered that revenge would make everything feel better. But deep down, I knew revenge only creates two broken people instead of one. So I let it go, not because it was easy, but because I didn't want my pain to become someone else's.
What I couldn't let go of, though, was the fear that someone else might walk the same road I did.
So yes, I intentionally walked into a few people's lives. I wasn't there to manipulate them, betray them, or gain anything from them. I was there because I wanted them to see the warning signs I had completely missed. If my mistakes could become someone else's lesson, then maybe all that pain wouldn't have been entirely meaningless.
Part 4:
I wasn't completely healed, but I was trying to rise above the pain, mainly because of the beautiful souls I had gathered around me. They became the reason I kept moving forward when everything inside me wanted to give up.
Life, being the dramatic comedian it is, waited for the exact moment I started believing things were finally getting better. It quietly whispered, "Everything is going to be okay." And then, just like a movie villain making an entrance, it turned around and said, "Surprise, MF."
The truth is, everyone has their own battles. Everyone has days when they are fighting invisible wars. I understand it now.
One thing that always triggered me was disrespect. But the funny thing about the term "disrespect" is that everyone has their own dictionary for it. What feels like a harmless comment to one person can feel like a deep wound to another. Carrying the weight of my past experiences and unresolved pain, I didn't always handle those moments the way I should have. That's a regret.
Somewhere in the middle of endless overthinking, doubts, questions about loyalty, feelings of disrespect, comparisons, and the constant pressure of trying to keep everyone happy, I slowly started losing myself.
In trying to protect everything around me, I ended up burning pieces of myself. And in the end, it damaged everything.
I said things I never imagined I would say. Words that didn't belong to the person I knew myself to be. I watched my own character change, revealing a darker version of me that I never wanted to meet.
The most painful part was the confusion that followed. I kept asking myself: "Why does it hurt so much when I begged people not to do the very things that would break me?"
"Why do people forget all the good you have done the moment you make one mistake while you are at your lowest?"
Slowly, even my family began wondering if I had become someone filled with anger and attitude.
The irony is, I had always considered myself a kind person. Yet, I found myself saying things I never thought I would have the courage - or the cruelty - to say to the people I cared about. I definitely knew, this isn't the real me.
Then came the moment when everything replayed in my head like a movie. Every incident. Every conversation. Every mistake. Scene by scene.
And when the movie ended, there was just silence.
A person sitting alone in a dark room, eyes wide open, tears falling quietly, while a voice inside whispered:
"Everything you touched has ended in failure."
And then came the question that hurt the most:
"What have you become? What have you really become? You either hurt others or get hurt by others!"
That's the moment when you enter a different world, a place you never planned to visit and a place you don't know how to escape from.
A place where you stop fighting because you feel exhausted.
A place where you stop letting people get close because you hurt them or get hurt by them.
A place where you forget what it feels like to believe in someone without fear.
You enter a different version of life, not because you chose it, but because somewhere along the way, you lost the map back to yourself.
Part 5:
Alright, here comes the advising version of me. Please adjust your volume settings because your ears are about to go through a full motivational podcast episode.
Any relationship—literally any relationship—is built on one invisible but extremely powerful thing: "Trust". Whether it's friendship, family, love, or even the person who promises they'll "only borrow your charger for five minutes" (we all know how that ends, trust is the foundation).
People always say, "First impression is the best impression." I believe the stronger version is: "The first foundation matters the most." Build it with honesty, loyalty, and truthfulness, because once the cracks start appearing, repairing them is harder than assembling furniture without instructions.
The funniest and strangest thing I've witnessed is people creating full investigation reports about someone behind their back.
"Hey, you know what this person did?"
"You won't believe what happened..."
"Let me tell you everything."
And then, somehow, the very next day, they are sitting together, laughing, eating, and acting like yesterday's gossip meeting never happened. Human beings are truly fascinating creatures—we can create a documentary about someone's flaws today and have dinner with them tomorrow.
Thankfully, one thing I can proudly say is that I've never lived that way. I don't believe in building connections with hidden agendas or fake conversations. Whatever I have to say, I prefer saying it honestly. Even if i conspire about them, i don't cherish them in the next day faking it.
I strongly believe in one thing:
"Hurt me with the truth rather than comfort me with a lie."
A lie from a stranger may be forgotten, but a lie from someone you trust can break something much deeper. It can be of any matter. Even small lies can feel heavy when they come from a person whose honesty you believed in.
Yes, the truth can hurt. Sometimes it arrives like an unwanted guest, sits on your couch, and refuses to leave. But in the long run, truth protects the bond. It gives people a chance to understand, grow, and rebuild.
Because a relationship that survives the truth is far stronger than one that lies with reasoning of saving the bond.
But here after no more blames, no more fights, as i let everyone have their peace.
I do love games, i am a Pro Valorant player (Come challenge me if you think you are good).
That's how i play
(Now you will wonder, what tf is this topic in between which make no sense?
that's how life goes on
)Part 6:
Now comes the tragic chapter of what happened next... and the mysterious question of what exactly I am becoming now.
After the mental breakdown, the emotional destruction, and the impressive talent of burning everything around me like I was auditioning for a disaster movie, I made one decision:
I was done depending on people.
No more running to someone for comfort or flirting and accidentally creating another emotional earthquake. No more seeking distractions. No more trying to fill empty spaces with another human being. Basically, I decided to put my heart on airplane mode.
So naturally, what does a broken person do?
Some people get a pet. Some people travel. Some people discover meditation.
Me?
I entered the stock market.
Because apparently my brain thought, "You know what will heal emotional damage? Numbers, charts, and staring at candles that are not actually candles."
I had known about the stock market for more than five years, but I had never fully stepped into it. This time, I jumped in completely.
I locked myself inside my room and went deep into the world of fundamental analysis, technical analysis, strategies, patterns, and everything that makes normal people close their laptop and walk away.
Hours turned into days. Days turned into months.
Along with managing my office responsibilities, I was constantly learning and analyzing. At one point, even my family started wondering:
"Is he actually studying, or did he secretly join some underground organization?"
The locked door, the endless screen time, and my disappearing social life definitely did not help their imagination.
Everyone told me the same thing:
"Don't invest immediately after learning. The market will teach you a painful lesson."
And they were probably right.
But mentally, I was already prepared.
After losing pieces of myself, I reached a point where money felt like the smaller risk. I had already experienced a different kind of loss.
Then something unexpected happened.
I started making profits.
Not the normal "buy yourself a coffee" kind of profit.
I mean the kind where I was sitting there looking at the numbers thinking:
"Wait... is this real, or did I accidentally open someone else's account?"
Capital started multiplying. 10X. 20X. The results kept coming.
Initially, I thought it was beginner's luck. But as time passed, I realized it wasn't just luck. Somewhere along the way, I had discovered a skill I never knew I possessed.
A talent that came out of one of the darkest phases of my life.
The funniest part?
My family had their own theories. After months of locking my door, staring at screens, and suddenly making money, they genuinely started wondering if I had secretly robbed a bank, created a master plan, or was involved in something they should be concerned about.
I can't even blame them. From their perspective, their son disappeared into a room and came out with profits. Even Netflix would consider that a suspicious storyline.
During this journey, I started writing down my experiences, observations, and lessons, with my usual unnecessary amount of humor. It started as a personal notebook with no destination.
Then the pages kept increasing.
50 pages became 100.
100 became 110+ pages.
I wasn't writing with any plan to publish anything. I was simply documenting what I was learning and experiencing.
But my mentors saw something different when share it to them. They believed the perspective, the experiences, and the way I presented things had a uniqueness worth sharing. They encouraged me to complete the draft properly and guided me to take this journey seriously.
So here I am, running like a horse with no interest in looking sideways.
Writing. Rewriting.
Editing. Questioning every sentence.
Deleting things. Adding things.
Basically fighting with my own words like they owe me money.
The complete process-draft completion, proofreading, corrections, refining, and redefining—will probably take at least a year and a half. And if everything goes well, this strange little journey may finally become a book around 2028.
And me?
An author?
The thought itself is hilarious.
I am already imagining myself searching for the perfect pair of glasses so I can look intelligent while holding a book. Because apparently that's the official uniform of writers.
But somewhere along this journey, I also realized something else.
I gained the ability to build something alone...
but I lost the ability to let people come close again.
And that leaves me with the biggest unanswered question:
Is this a blessing?
A curse?
Or just life's weird way of saying:
"Congratulations. You survived. Here is your reward... and also your new problem."
(Until i comeback after several months with my progress, Bye Bye!)
