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Fragments.

More strange than Lust

The memories in me stirred something.
A quiet flicker,
a thought about the timeline of all the relationships,
that ever existed here
.

Some ended in breakups.
Some ended in something soft,
a beautiful forever, maybe.
But the number is limited,
while the dramas?
Unlimited.

I remember the first feeling I ever had for someone.
He seemed…
the most eligible sexter on this site, (lol)
that’s what I thought, at first.
I mistook feelings for healing,
used affection as an anchor
to pull myself out of loneliness.
A common craving here,
for those of us who come broken,
half-wanting company,
half-wanting escape.

But as days passed,
what I received
wasn't love.
It was a slap of toxicity.
I lost it.
The feelings, the illusion.
I began to hate him.

And then,
another person came.
A new name, a new promise.
Again, it repeated:
a mutual spark,
a mirrored longing.
But time revealed the truth,
he dumped me.

Furious,
I threw myself into another man’s arms.
But this time,
it was a feeling-less me
and an emotional him.
I did the dumping.

It went on like that.
Again.
And again.
I’ve loved, if I dare call it that,
ten or more men.

But no,
it wasn’t love.
It was something stranger than lust.
A mimicry of need.
I thought they completed me,
but they didn’t.

I thought I couldn’t survive
without their presence,
but I did.
Not gracefully,
not without cracks,
but I did.
And maybe that’s enough for now.

~Jaanu


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To the relationships that existed here, and to those I once related with, thank you. You all taught me more than I realized. To every temporary shore I drifted to - thank you for the feelings we shared. You left me emotionally confused… but stronger.

Thanks for reading.
Maybe it wasn’t love, but it was learning. And sometimes, learning who you are matters more than who you lose.
 
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