M
Mag Pie
Guest
3.The Drunken Douchebag
This heavy-drinking ass stumbles around parties, slobbering on strangers and telling people how buzzed he is... after two beers. Later in the night, after he's polished off his second six-pack, he'll tell you he's cool to drive home, just after he finishes pissing on your living room couch. This guy never seems to know where he's at on the sobriety scale, although on the douche scale he's always a perfect 10.
The Disorder:
This guy displays signs of what is known as the Mallenby effect. Basically, this causes a person to overestimate the effects of alcohol during the first few drinks (called the "absorption phase" by people who study drunkenness) and will underestimate them later in the night (during the "elimination phase"). If you want to see this concept in action, buy a lot of nonalcoholic beer for a party full of teenagers. If drinking with teens isn't your thing (and legally it shouldn't be anyone's "thing") then check out most college frat parties where the masses will start screaming "WHOO!!!" within the first 15 minutes that the keg is tapped, long before their system has actually had the chance to absorb any alcohol into the blood stream.
Later, the same people will physically display all signs of being drunk, but will claim to be sharp as a tack, because, as they'll tell you, they drink so much that it, like, would totally take all the booze in this place to get them drunk. Then they'll plow their Mustang into a drainage ditch and take a swing at a cop.
2
The Raging Douchebag
Don't step on his shoes, don't make incidental eye contact and don't talk to his girlfriend. If he doesn't have a girlfriend, don't talk to any girls because they could be his girlfriend, someday. It doesn't take a whole lot to set this type of guy off, and after he's pissed, screaming and swinging you'll wish you'd actually done something worthy of such a tantrum.
He's easy to pick out in a crowd, there'll be one man yelling while everyone else in the crowd exchanges confused glances along with sympathetic shrugging shoulders. He's the screaming one, the one trying to finish an imaginary fight with a person who didn't start it. A douche that can't be ignored.
The Disorder:
This is a classic case of Intermittent Explosive Disorder or IED. This guy is a time bomb, and nobody can see the timer but him--he can go off at any moment. Although his aggression normally isn't life threatening, it's really fucking irritating. Medically diagnosed IED is defined as a behavioral disorder characterized by repeated episodes of aggressive and violent outbursts grossly out of proportion to the situation. Wearing a sleeveless rayon body vest while stinking like Axe body spray is common but unfortunately correlation does not equal causation.
A 2006 study by the National Institute of Mental Health has determined the condition to be more prevalent than previously thought, affecting around 2 out of every 25 adult Americans, most commonly seen in male youths. How the researches went about collecting data is not disclosed, though we hope they ruined many a striped shirt on nickel-beer-night while gathering subjects' reactions.
Cases of road rage, domestic abuse and destruction of property usually involve one or more parties with the disorder. Often those with IED will feel a great deal of regret or remorse if bodily harm or destruction of personal possessions occurs. It's uncertain if the same remorse is felt after chewing out a waitress for forgetting to refill a water glass, though the spit and pubes now hidden in the rest of their meal may balance out the situation.
This disorder can become a severe disruption in the lives of the afflicted but medications can be prescribed to help alleviate anger impulses. We are not licensed to give medical advice here, but if we were we'd suggest taking muscle relaxers, washed down with your favorite liquor, to help calm the nerves. Now go warm up in a hot tub and feel those angry thoughts drift away.
This heavy-drinking ass stumbles around parties, slobbering on strangers and telling people how buzzed he is... after two beers. Later in the night, after he's polished off his second six-pack, he'll tell you he's cool to drive home, just after he finishes pissing on your living room couch. This guy never seems to know where he's at on the sobriety scale, although on the douche scale he's always a perfect 10.
The Disorder:
This guy displays signs of what is known as the Mallenby effect. Basically, this causes a person to overestimate the effects of alcohol during the first few drinks (called the "absorption phase" by people who study drunkenness) and will underestimate them later in the night (during the "elimination phase"). If you want to see this concept in action, buy a lot of nonalcoholic beer for a party full of teenagers. If drinking with teens isn't your thing (and legally it shouldn't be anyone's "thing") then check out most college frat parties where the masses will start screaming "WHOO!!!" within the first 15 minutes that the keg is tapped, long before their system has actually had the chance to absorb any alcohol into the blood stream.
Later, the same people will physically display all signs of being drunk, but will claim to be sharp as a tack, because, as they'll tell you, they drink so much that it, like, would totally take all the booze in this place to get them drunk. Then they'll plow their Mustang into a drainage ditch and take a swing at a cop.
2
The Raging Douchebag
Don't step on his shoes, don't make incidental eye contact and don't talk to his girlfriend. If he doesn't have a girlfriend, don't talk to any girls because they could be his girlfriend, someday. It doesn't take a whole lot to set this type of guy off, and after he's pissed, screaming and swinging you'll wish you'd actually done something worthy of such a tantrum.
He's easy to pick out in a crowd, there'll be one man yelling while everyone else in the crowd exchanges confused glances along with sympathetic shrugging shoulders. He's the screaming one, the one trying to finish an imaginary fight with a person who didn't start it. A douche that can't be ignored.
The Disorder:
This is a classic case of Intermittent Explosive Disorder or IED. This guy is a time bomb, and nobody can see the timer but him--he can go off at any moment. Although his aggression normally isn't life threatening, it's really fucking irritating. Medically diagnosed IED is defined as a behavioral disorder characterized by repeated episodes of aggressive and violent outbursts grossly out of proportion to the situation. Wearing a sleeveless rayon body vest while stinking like Axe body spray is common but unfortunately correlation does not equal causation.
A 2006 study by the National Institute of Mental Health has determined the condition to be more prevalent than previously thought, affecting around 2 out of every 25 adult Americans, most commonly seen in male youths. How the researches went about collecting data is not disclosed, though we hope they ruined many a striped shirt on nickel-beer-night while gathering subjects' reactions.
Cases of road rage, domestic abuse and destruction of property usually involve one or more parties with the disorder. Often those with IED will feel a great deal of regret or remorse if bodily harm or destruction of personal possessions occurs. It's uncertain if the same remorse is felt after chewing out a waitress for forgetting to refill a water glass, though the spit and pubes now hidden in the rest of their meal may balance out the situation.
This disorder can become a severe disruption in the lives of the afflicted but medications can be prescribed to help alleviate anger impulses. We are not licensed to give medical advice here, but if we were we'd suggest taking muscle relaxers, washed down with your favorite liquor, to help calm the nerves. Now go warm up in a hot tub and feel those angry thoughts drift away.