Anomie
Newbie
I Was Here, Somehow
There are years I cannot remember
without feeling their weight.
Years that passed like unfinished winters,
leaving nothing but the cold
of everything I could not become.
The years did not disappear all at once.
They left in ordinary ways,
through the mornings I struggled to begin,
in the evenings I waited until the end,
and countless days
that passed without feeling like life.
I grew older,
but some part of me remained behind
In rooms filled with unspoken sorrow,
In the mornings I barely survived,
In a life I watched rather than lived.
And I grieve.
For the years that disappeared,
For the dreams that grew old without me,
For the person I might have been
had those years been kinder.
I am not the person I was back then,
and yet I carry her everywhere.
In the things I no longer enjoy,
In silence I cannot explain,
In the strange exhaustion
of having nowhere to escape
inside my own mind
Perhaps I have spent too much of my life
waiting for the darkness to pass,
and too little believing
that I deserved a life beyond it.
Now I stand between the person I was
and the person I hoped to become,
unable to recognise either.
Just a lifetime of almosts,
a heart full of unfinished goodbyes,
and a soul still searching
for somewhere it doesn't have to hurt.
I wonder how many times
a soul can begin again
before it grows tired
of finding it's way back.
Last edited:
baby
