Hmm... I feel defeated... I feel like I'm doubted, like I'm expected to fail, expected to give up.
Whether this seems pathetic, or stupid or whatever to anyone else I don't know, but my feelings and thoughts remain the same, I feel insignificant, insufficient and inadequate.
In December last year I lost my job, a job that even though at times I complained about I actually enjoyed doing, because I was active, I was moving forward, I was helping people. Christmas was hard for me last year, for more than one reason, but one of those reasons was because I was in heavy dark place in my mind.
There were voices in my ear saying things like 'I told you this would happen' or 'This was always going to happen, you can't trust them.' This added to my feelings of inadequacy. The self-doubt feeling became overwhelming.
In the new year I was determined to set things right, to move forward and get a new job, but the moment I started applying for jobs, some trauma that I experienced throughout my teens and early 20's resurfaced, trauma that I thought I'd locked away tightly, started to cause me to have visions, to be plagued with nightmares which affected my sleep, there was times when I'd be awake for 5 or 6 days then fall asleep for 2 or 3 hours to wake up and repeat the cycle, I stopped eating properly, I lost weight, I needed to loose weight anyways, but not in that way.
Now it's been near enough a whole year, and I still don't have a new job, despite applying for hundreds and hundreds... hundreds of jobs through out the year, I'm still stuck inside the same four walls of self-doubt, and inadequacy. I'm still single and lonely, and still plagued with nightmares of past trauma, yet somehow I'm still here standing on my own two feet.
This year I met @Solara , I met @Illusion , I met @Ebony , I met @FeltDaquiri , and I met a few others that gave me inspiration to start writing again, for that I thank you all. I give special thanks to Solara for encouraging me to continue writing, for letting me write/take part in the short stories about the antics of our pets, and from going through the roller coaster of a ride with The Journey.
Writing has helped me a little, it has helped distract me from some of those thought's I've had which has given me a small relief. I don't know what the New Year has install for me, I guess I could say what will be will be, but that only adds more fuel to my self-doubt and low self-esteem at the moment, so for now...
It is as it is
Whether this seems pathetic, or stupid or whatever to anyone else I don't know, but my feelings and thoughts remain the same, I feel insignificant, insufficient and inadequate.
In December last year I lost my job, a job that even though at times I complained about I actually enjoyed doing, because I was active, I was moving forward, I was helping people. Christmas was hard for me last year, for more than one reason, but one of those reasons was because I was in heavy dark place in my mind.
There were voices in my ear saying things like 'I told you this would happen' or 'This was always going to happen, you can't trust them.' This added to my feelings of inadequacy. The self-doubt feeling became overwhelming.
In the new year I was determined to set things right, to move forward and get a new job, but the moment I started applying for jobs, some trauma that I experienced throughout my teens and early 20's resurfaced, trauma that I thought I'd locked away tightly, started to cause me to have visions, to be plagued with nightmares which affected my sleep, there was times when I'd be awake for 5 or 6 days then fall asleep for 2 or 3 hours to wake up and repeat the cycle, I stopped eating properly, I lost weight, I needed to loose weight anyways, but not in that way.
Now it's been near enough a whole year, and I still don't have a new job, despite applying for hundreds and hundreds... hundreds of jobs through out the year, I'm still stuck inside the same four walls of self-doubt, and inadequacy. I'm still single and lonely, and still plagued with nightmares of past trauma, yet somehow I'm still here standing on my own two feet.
This year I met @Solara , I met @Illusion , I met @Ebony , I met @FeltDaquiri , and I met a few others that gave me inspiration to start writing again, for that I thank you all. I give special thanks to Solara for encouraging me to continue writing, for letting me write/take part in the short stories about the antics of our pets, and from going through the roller coaster of a ride with The Journey.
Writing has helped me a little, it has helped distract me from some of those thought's I've had which has given me a small relief. I don't know what the New Year has install for me, I guess I could say what will be will be, but that only adds more fuel to my self-doubt and low self-esteem at the moment, so for now...
It is as it is
Most importantly, even after everything you've been through, you're still standing, still trying, still creating and that says a lot about ur resilience... I truly hope this New Year brings a fresh beginning in ur life and that slowly remind u of ur own strength... Sending hugs to ya ლ(´ ❥ `ლ)
