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the funnies

stevexoxo

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The Draftee
Twenty eight years ago, Herman James, a West Virginian mountain man, was drafted into the Army. On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb, that afternoon an Army barber sheared his head. On his second day, the Army issued him a toothbrush, that afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth. On the third day, he was issued a jock strap. The Army is still looking for him.

Whats In A Sign
A lady seven months pregnant got on a bus and sat across from a man. She noticed him smiling so she changed her seat. This time his smile changed to a grin so she changed her seat again. He seemed even more amused. The fourth time she changed her seat he burst out laughing. She could bear it no longer so she complained to the bus driver and had him arrested.
The case came up in court and the judge asked the man if he had anything to say for himself.
"Well it's like this", he replied. "When the lady sat down, i couldn't help notice her condidtion and she sat under a sign which read, Use Sloan's Liniment to prevent that swelling, and I just had to smile. Then she moved under the sign "Gold Dust Twins Are Coming", this made me grin, but when she moved under "Williams Stick Did The Trick". I could hardly hold myself. The she moved the fourth time under "Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented This Accident" I burst out laughing.
"Case dismissed" replied the judge.

HOW TO KILL AN EEL
Little Johnny was just about 12 years old and just the age when he was curious as only a boy can be. He had been hearing a lot about courting from older boys, so he asked his mother what and how courting was done. She told him to hide beneath the hall curtains some night and watch his sisters boy friend.
This is what Johnny did and what he saw as he described it to his mother...
Sis and her boy friend talked for awhile and pretty soon he turned out all the lights but the blue one. Then he began kissing sis and putting his hands inside her blouse. Soon they began to pant and get all out of breath. Then he took his hand from in sis's blouse and put it under her dress.
When he did this sis began to groan and sigh and squirm around, and scoot down on the couch till she was laying down. Then he unzipped his pants and pulled out a BIG RED EEL about 10" long. It was standing up and he had it in both hands to keep it from getting away. Sis started to help him and they both wrestled with it. Sis's dress slipped from under her arms, but they both kept wrestling with it and finally he let sis hold it alone. She had both hands on it and her legs spread out so she could get a scissors hold on it. He helpped her by laying on the eel. Soon they got the eel between them and she wrapped her arms and legs around her boy friend and they both started to wrestle with it.
The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis squealed and her boy friend nearly upset the couch with both of them on it. Pretty soon they gave lunges, sighs, grunts and then stopped moving. The boy friend got up and they had killed the eel because it hung there as limp as could be and some of it's insides were dripping out. Sis and her boyfriend were tired out from the battle. Pretty soon they started to love and kiss again.
They were both surprised pretty soon because the dammed eel came back to life again. Sis gave a squeal and grabbed it with both hands. She had a scissors hold on that eel in record time. They had a longer fight this time, but sis and her boyfriend finally won. This time they really killed the eel because I saw the boyfriend pull off it's skin, take it in the bathroom and flush it down the stool.
 
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